Wanga Seko
On 18 October 2001, we got yet another invitation to be friends. Only this time, it didn't come to Phil, or the band. No, it came to Jean Alesis, our ex-drum machine. And in fact, it was a variation on a venerable Nigerian fraud...
Dear Sir,
I am Wanga Mobutu Sese-Seko, son of the late President Mobutu Sese-Seko of former Zaire, now Congo Democratic Republic. My family and I now live in exile, in Morocco. I believe you are aware through the International press how the European Government froze my late father bank accounts. Recently the French Government confiscated my father's Chateaux in South of France.
In view of this, my family and I are afraid to make any investment without a front. In this line, therefore, it is the wish of my family to solicit for a trustworthy and sincere person who will invest these fund under trusteeship. I am interested in making an enormous investment worth US$50Million in some parts of the world of which will be beneficiary to both parties SOURCE OF FUND.
Before the death of my father, he deposited the above stated funds with a security Firm here in Amsterdam. Hence I am in asylum here in lome. Therefore, I intend to have a front who will manage this funds and invest it into property development, buying of sharesstock in Multinational Companies and engage in non speculative investments and other related ventures [...]
Please, I will like you to send me your private telephone/fax numbers to allow me discuss privately. Meanwhile, reach me on the above email address. Kindly treat this matter with utmost confidentiality.
Best Regards,
Wanga Mobutu Sese-Seko
contact me via my e-mail:
wanga_seko@yahoo.com
Some members of the Coronets would have had qualms about entering into a business opportunity with a man apparently still happy to rip of the Congolese people. Luckily, Wanga had written to...
Jean Alesis
Dear Your Royalness Professor Mr. Wanga Sir, MA.
HELLO! Can I firstly just express my sincere thanks and wonder that of all the people in the world, you have chosen me, JEAN ALESIS, Ex-DRUM MACHINE OF THE CORONETS to help you set up this front. Here we go: Thank you! Tell me, was it something to do with the name the Coronets, reminding you of a crown, goes to leader, and so reminded you of your father LAURENT KABILA's past as UNCROWNED HEAD OF STATE in Zaire, meaning that you thought I was the ideal partner? I HOPE SO, because I hope that I WILL BE the ideal partner, and believe me, even if "they" catch me, I can withstand EVERYTHING except torture.
Mr Wanga, I would love to help you in whatever scheme you have. $50million dollars! What a lot of money! If I had any eyes, they would LITERALLY be spinning. I do hope I will be able to get some of my hands on this lovely lucre soon.CASH! CASH! I want it! Before I commit myself fully however, I would just like to ask a few questions:
1. I used to be the drum machine in a band called the Coronets. However - those fascists - they sacked me in favour of a HUMAN BEING named Will. Do you think that I will get enough of this money to be able to buy back my position in the band? I estimate that this will cost me about $4.50, maybe the round $5.
2. Of course I understand why I should get some of this money rather than, for example, the population of the democratic republic of congo. However, what with the current ISSUES surrounding the September 11 ACTIONS, you will understand that I have to be certain of the legal provenance of any money I set up an illegal fund with. Can I be sure that the notes i receive will be contaminated with Anthrax? Please let me know this important thing as soon as possible.
3. As I understand it from my experience in similar schemes, in general the money does not come through until I have given you around 90% of my personal wealth, in order to pay for lawyers, transfer fees and the like. In fact, I haven't got any money back yet from the other schemes; however I LIKE THE SOUND of yours - to speed things up, could you tell me where I should just send my cheque straight away? As I see it, the sooner I CUT TO THE CHASE and give you money, the sooner you can PREVARICATE about sending me some back. THANKS!
OK - I hope you are well and that things are OK in Lome, Togo - it must be a real pain to be exiled in Amsterdam, Morocco as you apparently are. Believe me, as an exiled drum machine kicked out of a band in SURPRISINGLY similar circumstances, I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
Once again, thanks very much for contacting me - I look forward to your responses and to PAYING YOU MONEY shortly. Sincerely, and with truly GREAT WISHES IN ROCK!
Jean Alesis
Former Drum Machine
And Marketing Manager
And Bottlewasher
But now
Preposterous Email Answerer
In
The Coronets
jean@thecoro.net
www.thecoro.net
ps - I notice that in your poverty you are reduced to using a free yahoo email account? A word to the wise - I just happen to know a number of good web developers, so when you have your $50 MILLION, perhaps you would like me to get them to buy your own domain for you? This will cost roughly $10 - it will still leave you with $49, 999,990. I have taken the liberty of checking the following, and even NOW, in the 22nd century, they are still available:
Wangaseko.com
WangaSeseSeko.com
WangaSeseSekoSonOfJosephMobutu.com
WangaSeseSekoSonOfThatCorruptFatFellaAccusedOfMurderingLumumba.com
IAmABigWanga.com
Jean! Be more friendly!
Yet another action by Jean Alesis has ended in failure. Even apparently-corrupt children of evil thieving wankers don't want to be Jean's friend - Wanga has not written back. YET. I'll let you know if he does.
P 25/10/01